Working with the Federal Witness Protection Program

This is a blog about what it's like to spend your whole life dreaming of a glamorous job with the FBI filled with danger and adventure but instead ending up behind a desk with a bunch of pencil pushers listening to criminals whine. Yeah, convicted criminals that we've given a free pass to. I have to SERVE them. Murderers, gang members, white collar criminals . . . you name it and I've got one of them that THINKS that I WORK for THEM.

If I hear another complaint from one of these ungrateful criminals I'm going to scream. It's all I hear all day long, and this is from people that got SIX FIGURE jobs in hospitals and get paid to do no physical labor all day long.

You should hear them, "I hate it here, my VP is crazy, my employees complain all the time, I wish I was dead, I have 4 hour conference calls, they won't give me a blackberry, they made me wear a green t-shirt and do cheers . . . wah, wah, wah.

My favorite was, "All I do is grab a little ass every now and then and they fly a whole damn group of corporate hacks down to interview the grabbees."

What losers. My friend working out of the Baltimore office has some guys working in meat packing plants and they are happy as hell compared to all these hospital people.

Sometimes it's hard to get companies to hire the people we need to place, what with them being murderers and criminals and all. So when they busted this big healthcare company they made that a secret part of the deal. The set up a division in Texas that has to take all the placements we send them. But the joke is on the criminals I guess, because man they hate it. One even called after something called a "GungHo" meeting and asked could he please go back to prison!

I don't know who thought of this stupid idea in the first place but it really took off after they placed that Matt Tarrtilini guy that got busted running the child labor sweatshops -- they had the kids chained to chairs and couldn't eat until they met their quota. They made him a hospital CEO and he fit in so well with the "corporate culture" of the place that next thing you know he's practically running whole company. Guess they figured criminals fit in so well there they'd take the idea and run with it. Then he brought in his shop supervisor over to work for him (she was the one that would patrol the shop floor and beat the kids to wake them up when they fell asleep at the end of their 18 hour shifts). Name is Lucille French. Man, what a piece of work. I gotta tell you, for a midget she's pretty damn sure of herself.

So I guess I shouldn't complain about my FBI, it could be worse -- I could work at one of those hospitals.

PS: I wonder what a "gung ho" meeting is.